Changing others?

I was browsing a book club catalog this morning and saw a book about how to change anyone. Is that really possible? And why would we even try? In order to change, a person has to want to make positive changes. I talked to the ex-boyfriend the night... a perfect example of a screwed up life... and he asked what he was to do to make his life better. I told him that he had to make a commitment to make changes that would make it better. His response... "I'm too lazy to work on changing anything about myself." So I guess he'll have to live with things the way they are.

All we can do about others is to change the way we react to them. I can not let myself get in a turmoil because the ex is alone and miserable. I certainly can't live with him and will not ever intentionally put myself in a position to be abused by his emotional tirades again. I feel bad for him but there is nothing that I can do for him... he has to do it himself.

I have come to know that I can't change anyone. I think women... don't get outraged here... often try to change their boyfriends and husbands, wanting to form them into their image of an ideal mate. It won't work. Those annoying traits are part of the whole... live with it.

One of the gazillion reasons the ex and I couldn't get get along was that I would not conform to his redneck idea of what a woman should be. I don't keep my mouth shut, I don't haul firewood, and I don't mow his three acres of grass. His ex-wife did all that, he told me. Well, you should have kept her, JC. She is rare among women.

People just are the way they are. It has taken 58 years for me to realize that I can't change anyone and I no longer try. I no longer tell others how they should be. That's not to say that I won't respond if asked but I'm not going to initiate the "you should do " conversation. It makes my life easier. If there is someone who makes me absolutely crazy, I stay away from that person as much as possible.

I also try to keep in mind that thoughts are creative... the more I think about how irritating a person is, the more he bugs me. When I tell myself that a person's behavior is not going to bother me, it often doesn't. I choose my thoughts and my thoughts create my reality. "Our life is what our thoughts make it. A man will find that as he alters his thoughts toward things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him." James Allen

Father's Day

We must have banged heads from the day I was born. No matter what I did, it was never quite right. That was all so very important back then and doesn't make a bit of difference now. Dad has been gone for two years, too early. He was only 75, not an advanced age these days. I wouldn't want him to continue living as he was; it was an existence, not a life. The decision to let him go wasn't mine, but I struggled with it as if it had been. I know he would never have been any better than he was, going from bed to wheel chair, fed through a tube, never to enjoy, or even really be aware of, the life around him.

Dad's parents were second generation Americans whose parents came from Germany and Belgium. Grandpa was a strict no-nonsense man and Grandma was never able to stand up to him. Dad followed that "I'm in charge here" example. It wasn't the ideal parenting situation but it was all he knew. He did the best he could with the knowledge he had.

The death of my oldest sister and her two children in 1968 took a toll on Dad that he never recovered from. While we all were devastated and still struggle at times, Dad's mind just sort of went out in left field for awhile and effected his family life to a point that it was never fully whole again.

He was not the perfect parent but he did the best he could. While I didn't always like him, I did always love him.

I miss you, Dad. Happy Father's Day.

See other blog

Relationships involving children too often result in battles over them. It's our job as parents to protect our children. They aren't object to be fought over. See this at Window on smith Street: Thursday, June 15, 2006: http://windowonsmithstreet.blogspot.com/

My sister's birthday

I had the entire weekend off... yay!... and still I was so very bummed. It could be that yesterday would have been my older sister's 60th birthday. She died when she was 21. She was my best friend and I miss her every day. The years make it easier but the pain of seperation never goes away. I love you, Gloria Jean.

Father's Day

Father's Day is the 18th of this month. I wanted to post this well ahead of the day for a particular reason. Many of us don't get along well with our dads. Well, actually, mine has been gone for two years now but we certainly had our battles while he was alive. I was his least favorite child and he had so many unkind words for me all of my life. When he was in a nursing home before his death, I stopped daily to see him. My mother was surprised by that but I told her that most of the time he didn't know who I was and it really didn't matter. It was a time of peacemaking and getting over all of the stuff that had happened before. I was with him when he died and I miss him so very much.

If you have a really crappy relationship with your dad, get over it. Give some thought these weeks before Father's Day about how to show your dad that he may not be perfect, but you have feelings for him anyway. Sometimes, as parents, we just do the best we can with the knowledge we have. We believe that we are doing the right thing at the time.

A previous post on Wednesday, December 21, 2005, is also about my relationship with my dad. If you want to see it, it's in the December 2005 archives titled A father-daughter relationship.

Co-workers

I go to my job to make money, not friends. However, I need to be on good terms with the people I work with. I wait tables and it's difficult to smile and be pleasant with customers when co-workers are making me crazy. I don't need to be super-waitress, getting as many tables as possible. One of my co-workers apparently feels differently. We don't have stations, we all take care of the room and pool our tips. (It works better than I thought when I hired in.) One server rushes to tables with the mistaken notion that more tables makes her a better server. Actually, that's not true. She has so much going on that she forgets to deliver drinks and salads. She's in such a hurry that she neglects to put prices on the tickets. This isn't good service and that's what our job is about.

She says she can't work this way, not having stations and working all over the room.This isn't the first time she has worked at this restaurant. Didn't she know that when she came back? It's not a big room and it's not rocket science. Why make things more difficult than they need to be?

I've not yet figured out how to approach this woman and tell her that she is making work far more stressful than it needs to be. Any suggestions?